random musings

Midnight Musings.

So after a lot of seemingly needless pain, I’ve started this blog to act as a public log of my mental health. It will be entirely open and honest and only occasionally gritty. Hopefully this will provide a unique insight into mental health and the conditions I have. Or it could just end up as a bad horror, but that’s just me.

So onto the first matter of business; who the f*ck am I. Well I’m a 20 something, trans-person. I have social anxiety, autism, depression, paranoia, an eating disorder and sleep problems. I, (of course) have a troubled past, probably a troubled future, and a troubled everything else. I’m constantly scared of loosing my mind, that is presuming I had one to begin with. I wanted to be a archaeologist/writer/dinosaur hunter/Sherlock Holmes when I was a child. I’m gay. I like being an elf, that doesn’t mean I identify with one, I’ve just seen too many of humanities flaws to want to stay human. Plus I don’t get treated like one. I like (to put it lightly) BDSM, power exchanges and Live Action Role Play. (LARP) I play video games, sometimes go to the pub even when the sport is on, read, write and most importantly craft. In fact this whole blog came about after knitting a 4 hour scarf at 2 am and posting the result of another sleepless night on Facebook. I sat for a while after posting the picture thinking: “Why don’t I blog this, document the hell out of this, instead of just using Facebook and whining when no one believes me about how ill I am.” So this blog was started and the majority of it will be a showcase for my crafts. However there’s a good reason for this. You see, when I can’t sleep I’m filled with a mind numbing ache, a stomach of anxious energy and a need to tire myself out. So in these moments my hands do what they do best. They make things. These thing rarely ever turn out perfect, and my demons fight for head space in these moments, but it some what helps. And hell, if its 4 am, on a cold winter’s morning, any shoddy knit wear is good.

Secondly; I make no promises. I don’t know how often I’m going to post, I can’t guarantee any semblance of quality and reading this will probably make you want therapy. But reality is always darker than any horror, or dark fantasy. If it weren’t, then we wouldn’t shirk away from it, we wouldn’t turn to escapism, our imagination wouldn’t be as colourful, and we would be boring and stagnate as a race.

Third point; don’t blame me. If this makes you feel bad, (sorry) tough. I’ve given you enough warnings. You don’t want insight, cold honest truth, or a funny/bad read, then stop…

NOW.

This is a no holes barred blog of a mentally damaged/unstable craft and leather -holic. It’s seriously not going to be pretty. Close your browser, burn your history, wipe the last hour from your mind, lock this up in some dark corner of the internet and throw away the key. Go ahead. But if you’re genuinely interested or feel like you’re supposed to be here, then continue and join me on this journey that leaves me feeling like I’m dangling by one leg over a chasm, with a head a piranhas and demons that egg me on when I want to fall;

I dare you.

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One thought on “Midnight Musings.

  1. Aabsoulty amazing hiko so proud of you I can phiscally feel ur pain and I know what your going through I have about two hours a night if that I run on empty as the voices like to keep me awake your amazing and I look up to u keep it up dude

    Liked by 1 person

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