This is an excerpt of: ‘Masahiko’s Trans Diary,’ simply called, Children.
“Many people ask about this out of confusion. “Do you still want children?” Well yes and no. Children get under my skin, a cry from a baby will make my skin crawl and my ears hurt. I’m also ridiculously useless with children. When ever I hold a baby, the tiny mite will punch me in the face or throat (with out fail) in an attempt to return to it’s mother as if I was some monster/demon.
So I think it would be easier to answer “Do you want to be a mum?” That would be a firm no. (Plus or minus lots of expletives.) I’ve never had the instinct to mother a child. I never played with dolls (I even tore the ones I was given apart,) and I always took up the ‘father’ role if asked to play house. I even have nightmares on being forced to become female and forced to carry many, many children.
Instead as a child, I always had instincts that I didn’t understand. So I buried them. As I grew up, I began the understand them. I have a base instinct to mate and father a child instead. Yet I still can’t stand women. I still want to be a dad but I know I’m gay to the core. So I’m left with only the option of adoption.
I still have a strong instinct to be a dad and to have a son. A want that slightly awkward farther son relationship where the son wants a hug because I don’t tell him I love him enough. I want to play catch with him on summer afternoons. I want to go to his games or recitals and push him to have a great career. And then maybe I could have grand kids that get under my feet that I could tell fishing stories too.
It’s just one of the many confusing contradictions of my life.“