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Self worth + me.

So today I did something that could be brave. I went to the doctors to collect a referral letter I mentioned in my ‘Blood, Consent and Hospital Visits’ posts. I noticed a box that I’d seen a few times when I’ve visited. However this was the first time I properly noticed the box. The box is for a NHS patients survey called the friends and family test. I noticed and thought, what the hell, I’ll fill one of these in. I’ve complained so many times about my doctors but it always falls on deaf ears. At the back of my mind a little spark of hope appeared. I really do hope someone picks up that box and opens it. Preferably someone external. There was only one other entry in the box, probably made by someone else just hoping that this box is a real thing and won’t just get thrown away.

So I was bluntly honest and scrawled in the small comments box what had happened. How my doctor had refused to send me to a Gender Identity Clinic and how it’s ruined my life and how he won’t even send me to the mental health clinic downstairs and how I can’t work because of it. Personally I would love to see the person’s face when/if they open the box to find my form. I might as well have dropped a bomb in the box. Hopefully it will rupture all the lies and the pain and the shit that goes on there, and maybe then, only then will I be able to get the help and justice I need.

This got me thinking about what I would say to the doctors if they were made to hold up their hands and admit they were wrong. They would be made to apologise but that wouldn’t be good enough. I wouldn’t be able to trust them even then, nor would I be ok being in the same room without recording equipment and witnesses. I’ve almost died due to that practices so many times. I overdosed everyday on incorrect prescriptions for 4 years. I can’t smell now and no one cares about it. I have a degree that I don’t remember taking. I wanted to be a digital artist for games and now I can’t even draw but no one cares because it’s not killed me yet. Part of my soul was taken from me and now I’m in such a bad place that I have no self worth. Last week my iron was low so I was going to buy some spinach and salmon and no word of a lie I spent 10 minutes debating inside my head was I worth the 60p bag of spinach. I never even got to the salmon because I didn’t think I was worth spending the 60p. I know most people would think along these lines… “Oh 60p for spinach. That’s a great deal and cheaper than where I usually get it from and it’s got a good date on it. I need this for food so I will buy it.” Instead I have to come up with valid enough reasons to prove an item’s worth or my worth or if I’ve done something great to warrant spending ‘x’ on ‘y’. I know this is wrong. I know it’s worse that I’d willingly and rather put myself in danger by not getting something like the spinach. But in the moment if I don’t win the debate in my head, I don’t get what I need. This also applies to when I know I need to eat even if I’m not hungry. If I don’t win, I don’t see the point in wasting the energy or resources or time in making food. I’d rather starve or make myself sick. I also feel so bad and that I don’t deserve the money I get every two weeks as my ESA benefit. I honestly believe that, if it was possible I would return my money I get because I don’t believe I’m worthy enough but I understand that this way of thinking is wrong and I really am sick.

In the end my iron levels got so low and I got so dizzy, I fell and hurt my bad shoulder. Now it burns everyday but the pain is manageable and it reminds me that I’m still slightly alive.

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