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A post written with help.

This is a post that I’ve been trying to connect the dots for, but I couldn’t put it into words. However my most precious one helped me and now I think I can finally wrote. 

Firstly I need to be honest about something. I was on job seekers allowance for 4 years. (It’s an out of work benefit here in the UK.) This makes me a long term claimant, which in the eyes of the press puts me on the same societal wrung as benefit cheats and common criminals. I was only forced on to the benefits system to avoid paying a council tax bill when I was trying to find work on my own. I didn’t want to be a leech to society and wanted to get a job on my own terms. However my local council demanded I sign on or pay ¬£4000 and attend court. So I signed on and my interview rate plummeted. I never had one serious interview in those 4 years. I’d also like to add that I spent time trying to improve myself on my own. I signed up to courses on my own and did the Prince’s Trust course against the wishes of my work advisor, who thought I was best sat at a computer applying for jobs (that may or may not have existed,) until my eyes fell out. I’m now on ESA after an incident where I couldn’t take the stress, pain and abuse from the system anymore. (I’ll write something about those times later.) Now I’m deemed unfit for work because I’m not mentally stable enough and I’m blaming myself every day. Yet logic and reason fight in my head against my guilt and now I don’t think I’m entirely to blame.

Let me explain. Initially I had at least 2 interviews a week. I signed on and got nothing. So I started getting involved with the extortionate cycle of work experience. Despite the odds this led to several, serious offers of jobs and extra C.V boosting activities. Then my mum came along. In every situation where I had a serious offer, my mother would find me and screw me over. Each time I’d spent weeks being that dream employee, only to have it thrown back in my face or worse. My mother would lie and whine about how I am at home, about how I never help out, how terrible I am, all the mistakes I’ve ever made, how much pain it caused when she gave birth too me, about how many kids she’s lost, basically any sob story she could spin. Now you may think that parents have every right to embarrass their kids, but it’s not like she’d brought my baby pictures with her. She took it to the next level at my last job chance, when she annoyed the owners so much it turned into an all out sh*t flinging match that almost ended up in punches. Needless to say I didn’t get the job and I’m never allowed to go there again. 

I really wanted to write about how my own mother has ruined my prospects but I knew it would sound like I was just whining. However if I highlighted some of the stuff she’s done, I thought you might be more inclined to hear/believe me. I’m serious about how much effort I put into keeping my parents out of my life. Even when I was on the Prince’s Trust, I refused to invite them to an award ceremony. The leaders refused to believe why I didn’t want to show off with the mayor to my own flesh and blood. At the time I thought it was just an act of rebellion, however I know better now.

My best theory on why this happens, is that my mum decided that I have to be like her in every way possible. Let me explain…  a long time ago (over 40 years ago,) my mum met my dad. This could have happened in one of 4 ways. Either they met when my mum was in Sixth Form or High School and got married later. Or my dad insists he met my mum when she was a nurse and he was on hospital after being wounded in the army. Or a few other ways. Unfortunately my grandmother would have been able to confirm which story was true if she was still alive. However they met there are stories and evidence proving that my mum was a nurse and never became a full nurse. (I’m pretty sure this is sounding like a conspiracy theory.) Yet every time I ask my mother she gives me a different set of events. (If anything this makes me believe she has greater mental health issues than it first seems.) It’s most likely that my mum never became a nurse and instead threw in the towel possibly due to pregnancy. She also, somehow trained to become a mechanic (however I’ve never seen the certificates), yet she couldn’t get a job as one so gave up on it. Some time later she married my dad and started having miscarriages. 13 attempts later she had me, yet she’s never seemed happy. I’ve never known her to have a job and I can’t help wondering if she’s even happy with my dad. (There’s even been allegations of infidelity.) If any of that is true why did she try so hard to have kids? Why then treat us like garbage? Why did she never get mental help after having a total of 14 miscarriages?  All I know is it seems like she wanted to do something with her life but never knew what. She tried to be like my grandmother and failed. Then tried to be like my dad and failed. Then she spent the rest of her life serving my sick father and 2 kids when  her mental state was questionable at best. She’s been failed so many times in her life and I can’t help thinking she’s taking it out on me.

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