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Dimension shift. 

​So it’s officially been 1 week and 6 days since I left home. I’ve had a few revelations and you know what? It feels like I’ve hopped dimensions, woken up in a different world that looks similar but is greater. I’m in a better world and I love it. I grew up in a world where self harm and wanting to die was normal because mummy did too. Every moment was governed and controlled by a woman who was unstable and a man who was trapped in the Victorian era. My universe was trapped in shades of dreary gloom and bleak depression. People outside the house were vermin or the enemy. I was told that they would rob me blind and kill me in a heartbeat. The human race was forsaken and not to be trusted. I was isolated from society and the world. I was fed lies and forced into a box that was not my own. I went through a ‘pinkafication’ and made to be a woman even though I clearly was not. I was forced to like a set amount of things. Forced to wear certain clothes, eat certain things, be something I was not. I was dragged through life in chains, forced into submission by people who were unfit to have children. I hated life. I hated who I was made to be. I didn’t know what I wanted to be or whom I wanted to be. I had no freedom, no identity and no life. 
But now… Fuck all that. I’m done with all their terms. Fuck their rules. Fuck their ideals. Fuck their world. For today I am reborn.
I’m outside, I’m in a city, I’m doing what I want and I’m loving it. I feel like I’ve woken up from a nightmare, I’ve gone through the shock of the lingering horror, and I’ve realised I’m safe again because I’m awake. I finally feel like I love live. I can’t begin to describe how bizarre this feels. I have never felt this feeling in my life. I finally know what it feels like to be truly happy. I actually want to live. That voice in the back of my head that tells me to hurt? Well it’s gone. No longer do I ache to cut open my flesh or itch to feel pain, but instead I want to explore. So I am doing. IRL I’m currently sat in a new Costa that has opened up in Manchester that has seating downstairs. I’m seriously sat beneath the city that only a few weeks ago, scared the crap out of me and I’m buzzing with excitement. I’m buzzing with an electric feeling that before I’d only get from spilling my own blood, and I’m loving this. I don’t care that people are filling the seats around me or that there are thousands of people swarming around me in this concrete jungle, because I feel alive. 
It finally feels like I’ve cast off the shackles of my parents control and I’m standing free. I’m almost 25 and this is the first time I have tasted freedom. You know something else? I picked my favourite drink in the biggest size they do. I actually did what I wanted. It probably sounds weird to you but it’s a big thing for my. I still feel lost in this world of yours but it’s not bothering me. I’m not a slave anymore. I’m going to do what the fuck I want form here on out. 
So I know for this change to stick I’m going to have to cut all ties to my mother. But you know what? If this is the prize for doing so, sign me up.
 The beautifully amazing woman that is my councillor said that it’s like I can finally see with my own eyes. And it’s true. I want to grab hold of this new life by the horns and never let go. My world is now splattered with the warm colours of love, the vivid shades of happiness and the mystical shades of wonder. My humanity, my freedom and my life have been denied for so long, but I’m free now. The ground feels good beneath my feet but I feel like I’m flying. I can finally spread my wings and fly and become who I’m supposed to be. 
No more do I want to lash out at every one around me, I want to run through Manchester and hug everyone I come across. My upbringing may have ruled my life so far, but no more will it poison me and lead me to self destruction.  
So now I’m going to pursue my life, find myself and try everything that once was forbidden. I’m going to have birthday parties and go outside and have a happy Christmas and enjoy myself. Because if I want to do something who’s there to say no. If I want to have my breasts cut off, get a penis and fuck men, I will. If I want elf ears because I look hot as an elf, I’ll do it. If I want to eat vegetables I God damn will do. If I want the largest Chai Latte Costa do, I’ll fucking well order myself one. It’s about time I step up to the plate and reclaimed my humanity. So it’s time to shrug off my old life, open my eyes and be me. 
So thanks for reading this. It might be the last I do for a while. (I have a few drafted posts to publish.) Instead I’m going to fight for what I love and love myself. 

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