I intend to read this back to myself whenever I feel down or I stumble from my path. This post was written after my penultimate therapy session. It feels good to have a session full of laughter than tears. I want this to be read and shared and to spread my joy and my confidence.
There have been chains around my heart for so long. I felt like a was drowning in a world of hate. I grew up in a world where homophobia was common place and encouraged. The fear of the unknown and the rage it fuels might as well been a community past time. However I feel my self slowly adjusting to a world that is far more loving and accepting than I have ever known. I was made into a fighter because of my upbringing and I spent the vast amount of my energy learning how to protect the weak and the different instead of beating them down. And when I couldn’t, I’d feel weak.
The past year I felt like I had finally lost all control of my life, as if I had been chained to the bottom of a pool with the water’s surface just out of reach. I was swamped by a world I didn’t know. Swamped by a set of rules that I didn’t know. And because I had no control and felt like a slave to the state, I just let myself sink. I didn’t want to be saved at first. I felt too proud to reach out and find help, believing no one would be there to help. My soul may be one of a warrior but my mind has always been logical. When I’d reached out and tried to get help in the past, I’d been turned away, beaten down and laughed at. So when I reached out for counciling at the Foundation, it felt like I was resting on my lorals. I knew they could help me feel better when my world was braking.
However it took too long for me to get the help I needed. My problems had become big enough to destroy towns and slaying them would lead to honour, titles and bards to sing about me. In reality I’d become trapped in a prison of solitude and I’d have panic attacks when I’d leave it. I had begun to punish myself for all of my past failures. I’d helped so many people, but I’d become lost in my pain. However I persevered and with the help of an amazing woman, I began to slay the many headed dragon that is my issues.
I was lead out of my darkness and into the light. I began to love the world I found myself in. I began to see my victories even if I was blind to them at first. I began to feel hope and tried to regain my control over my life. As I speak it’s like trying to keep ahold of a slippery, moss covered, small stone whilst stood on a beach of pebbles. It’s easy to drop it and lose it, but it’s pretty and I want to keep it safe. I want to seal it in resin so I never loose it ever again because I need this stone.
So now I realise I’m still that fighter inside. It’s my soul. I am strong. I can tackle things most people don’t want to think about and acknowledge. I am not a victim, I am a survivor. A survivor of mental abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse and the hatred of so many. And I did it alone. That makes me strong. However I know now that my tactics may have been wrong. All this time I have been dual weilding large weapons to beat back the demons of this world with very little protection. I thought the massive damage potential was the better option but I know better now.
I got tired of the holding those two swords. I got beaten down and I wanted to give up the fight all together. And at times I did. I gave into the darkness that was eating my soul and stopped fighting even my own demons. Despite having a strong and dominant soul, I lay down and let my demons tear me apart. And I just watched it happen. They stole what little armor I had left and made me hate everything I am.
But now I feel like I have the strength to fight again. This time I use a shield and try and focus on my own problems and not everyone else’s. I still want to help others, but I’ll nudge them toward the light and inform them there is a way out. I’ll need to remind myself every day that this isn’t selfish but self fulfillment. I don’t want to be the dual weilding, deranged looking warrior, with sweat and the blood of his enemies dripping down his face. I want to be the warrior stood with one foot on a stone with a sword in one hand, and golden light around them. I don’t want to be as violent with my victories. Realistically I don’t want to fight with lawyers and police just to get what I deserve. I want to be able to get what I want, when I want and how I deserve it. I still want to change something from the top down and have an effect in this world. So I’m going to work on getting a book published. I’ve been working something to educate the ignorant, and to show the world how normal transgender folk are. We aren’t something that should be treated as second rate when we are just like everyone else. I want to work on iradication of transphobia. We may have started in a different place or state but we’re all the same when we’re dead. I don’t want anyone to go through the hell I’ve been and still am going through. I’ve walked in the dark and seen what society is ignorant to. The dark is not a den of sinners and scum, but a prison of pain that our fear and shame are causing unjustly. I want to bring light to those in the dark and free those who can’t see a way out.
So me first, then glory second. Because face it, every one wants some glory. Whether they want to be rich, or famous or like me. I might be falling in love with the idea of matching my kind, out of the dark and freeing us of pain, under the banner of freedom.
So watch this space.