random musings

Apologies on behalf of my former self.

This post is something that has been rolling around in my head space for a while now. It’s the type of thing that lingers around like the taste of something cold and sweet on a hot summers day. So as I sit in a room full of a scattering of LED pillar candles; listening to the fierce wind in one ear and The Piano Guys – Hello/Lacrimosa in the other; I am left wondering if this is actually a good idea. 

It all started a few weeks ago when I began the dreaded task of unpacking all of my possessions. It’s remarkable how many things my mother has dragged up and packaged up for me. For example one large box consisted of numerous books. All were unfinished and 75% empty because my younger self had commitment issues. However some contained painfully awkward love letters that I’d never sent and the mad ravings of my younger self. But but they also contained things that distressed me for example; at least 20 suicide letters, journal entries from just after I was raped and a painful menagerie of other sorrows. This got me thinking about myself from back then and how I’ve not been letting go. I think I’ve pinned this down to having a lot of unfinished business. So I hope this post will serve as me tying up some loose ends into a pretty mess of bows by saying some things I should have said a long time ago. 

I spent a while trying to work out who should be first.  In my head space right now you are all fighting for first position. I keep shaking my hand as if I’m rolling an imaginary dice and hoping to get an answer. So I think I’ll start with the easiest one for me. (By the way I won’t be mentioning anyone by name, so relax.)

  1. So to the friendly person I met just before my fall in a not so classy educational establishment, I’d firstly like to say that I admire you. You have the type of bravery I could never have. You have the ability to be yourself and hold your heart out for the world to see. I wish I could do the same. Not so long after I left that place you invited me to Blackpool with everyone from that group. I wanted to go but I was not brave enough. So I made up a lame excuse.  It’s true that I can’t go back to Blackpool. Bad things happened to me there. However its only because I’m not ready to go back. Someday I will be brave enough to face that place,  but I don’t know when. So I convinced myself that you were only asking me to be nice because “why would a cool guy want anything to do with a thing like me?” So I’m sorry for being a jerk. The truth is, I’m a coward when it comes to social situations because I don’t have experience with them. I was raised in the wrong way to be able to cope with the outside world. Also thank you for asking me even if part of me still thinks you’re too cool to be in the same room as me.
  2. Second is someone I can already feel frowning at me. I think you said to me once,  that if I ever apologised again you’d hit me. I’d honestly welcome it with open arms because I was an ass hole. You maybe my one and only ex-girlfriend but I wanted to include you in this to let you know the years I spent with you weren’t wasted. You taught me so much about the world beyond vanilla ice cream. I’m grateful of that, but I shouldn’t have strung you along like that all because you were still fun to be around. I was afraid of being all alone again. I should have been honest with you from that pivotal moment in our relationship.  Overall that is the most important lesson you taught me. I’d still like to own that club with you one day and I still like to hang out with you. I actually miss you and part of me still wants you in my life, even if it’s just to eat sweet and sour chicken balls with.
  3. I’ve been seeing your Facebook posts a lot recently. I’ve wanted to reach out and let you know that you are not alone but I’m pretty sure you have no idea who I am. I went to your high school and we kind of floated around the same social circles. We never really talked but your posts keep raising a memory of back then. I know our high-school was volatile at best but there was a time when I should have stood up and said something. I hated when people like you, like us were picked on for who we are. Yet my own fear held me back. It doesn’t excuse what I did. I didn’t do anything that day because I had a toxic family environment where I wasn’t accepted. So because of my fear, repression and self hatred, I actually joined in on the bullying. So I’m sorry for not being a better person.  I hope you venture through this blog and see you are not alone. 🙂

    So for now that’s all I’ve got. I might add more to this at a later date.  I don’t know if I’ll ever have the courage to send this out. It’s mostly because I’m a coward despite how brave and strong people think I am. It’s also because I’m afraid of being loved, accepted and forgiven. Something bad happened to me that makes me afraid of letting people in because two arse holes ripped my heart out. 

    Also if you’re one of the three you’re actually reading this then I’m glad I still have some courage left. Oh and thank you for taking the time to read this. 

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