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A blog post about my mental state.

Today I feel like shit. I could just leave it at that but my tongue has always loved long words and melodramatic explanations…

Today I feel like the universe is ganging up on me and questioning if I am significantly mentally handicapped, or if I was born with the gift of tongues and it’s failing. Basically I’m wondering if I’m speaking gibberish when to me though it sounds like I’m speaking fluent English.

I can’t cope with people right now because every time I speak it gets swept under the rug or people do the opposite of what we’ve agreed. For example I had a problem with a company and it went to the ombudsman. The ombudsman reached a decision and even though it wasn’t what I wanted I conditionally agreed because of their promises. Today I got emails and texts that shows that my version of events never happened.

So am I retarded or deluded?

So I sort I comfort for my most precious one as I was felt like my world was falling apart. I asked him, “is there something seriously wrong with me?” Instead of being the kind compassionate and loving person I know him to be, he insisted he couldn’t understand what I was saying. The man is my last line of defence from the chaos and destruction of my depression. He keeps me safe, sober and sane, yet he failed me. Instead of giving me a hug and a “You’re my Hiko, you’re perfect and I love you. Everything is going to be ok.” I lost control. I started screaming and being self destructive. I shoved him out and when I’m like this I want to hurt myself. So instead I write, because it calms my mind and gives my hand something to do.

Yet for the first time in months I found myself willingly drinking.

I’ve been sober for over 6 months I haven’t binge drunk anything for almost a year.

The sad thing is, I don’t feel like I have any friends that I can reach out too. In the heat of it I feel like I have no friends. All I want is someone to give me a hug and to fight my corner. As my mind clears the faces of my friends pop into focus. But I really feel like a burden to everyone and at times like this I wish I had died. I don’t feel human when I’m like this. I don’t even feel worthy of anything.

Part 2 of this blog is a result of my recent medical testing. As you may not know I’ve had a shoulder problem for a while. My new doctor sent me for X-rays to see what’s been going on and what’s been preventing me from working for the past 2 years. On the upside I found out that I have a 13th rib. Odd I didn’t know I had an extra rib, but the news was only given to soften the blow of what’s to come next… I apparently have neck or spinal problems and have been sent to the spinal specialist to see if I need surgery. I already know there’s probably nothing they can do, even if there wasn’t a high risk of paralysing me. So I’m probably going to have to live with it.

The news has hit me like a death sentence. I desperately want to go to work. One of my two dreams in life was to be a productive member of society, have a job and be the main earner of my household. Not only because I wanted an excuse to wear manly suits, but because I don’t want to be like my parents. I didn’t want to be stuck in the benefit system. I’ve been like this since I was child. Yet I’m facing a chronic disability that could get worse and cost me my dominant arm.

So my dream of being a hot guy, without fears, with elf ears, fashionable clothes, designer suits and a well paying job is farther away than ever.

So far I can’t even see it.

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